Who am I? Where is this question originating? Where was it before it popped up? Where will it go after I stop thinking about it? Who or what is this I? The issue is I have read so much and listened to so many talks on this that I have started imagining that I know. It has created what I like to call a spiritual ego within me. Someone who is spiritually more advanced than others. Someone who knows more, who knows better, who is now ready to help others, who is now enlightened. This spiritual ego seems to be far more dangerous than the so called gross ego that was present before. These egos as such don’t exist. They are just ideas that are believed to be true by me that give them their reality.
It still feels like I am going to find the answer to ‘Who am I?’ in my objective experience. I am still waiting for me to find myself as an object. All the reading and listening to Rupert Spira has added a lot of intellectual understanding that is starting to feel like a block, a burden. I am guessing this is the way. I am never going to find my self because the self is what is doing the finding. All search needs to come to a halt. And one of the ways is to go all in into the search. To dig deeper and deeper and harder and harder only to fail again and again. To fail and keep trying again and again until failure is accepted. I think I have not reached there yet. Whatever I know seems to only be an intellectual understanding. Just words and concepts. I don’t think I have failed enough. I have not brought in the intensity of life and death into finding who am I? It feels as if I am masquerading my lack of intensity as surrender and acceptance. I have to call myself out. No one else is going to do it for me. No one else can. Only I’m aware of what’s happening within me. Why should someone else have access to it? I have accepted half heartedly. I have not failed hard enough. But the intellectual understanding helps. Like Rupert says, the mind might get it but it takes the body time to catch up with the understanding.
As I go within, I’m able to notice that there is an expectation of something extraordinary to happen. I would like to look deeply into this expectation. I would like to bring it out into the light. However strange, or funny or weird it may sound, it needs to be brought out. One thing that’s very clear is there is resistance. There is fear as to what would happen if the expectation is brought out into the open. The expectation is people would immediately feel different around me. They are able to see and feel that I have achieved something. They cannot wait to be in my presence. They seek my counsel, they want to know my secret of happiness and bliss. Wherever I go, a crowd forms. People want to touch me, and take my blessings. They are waiting hours just to hear me talk. I am now a superior being, a master, a celebrity, a guru, someone to look up to. Internally, I am filled with bliss, joy, peace, happiness without any effort. I do nothing all day. I just chill and sleep and watch TV and eat and life just flows smoothly with no downs. Only ups and ups and ups. I have complete control over my mind. I do not have any negative feelings because I can control my mind and the thoughts that flow through it. I talk mysteriously and in a preacher way and people just get transformed by listening to me and my silence. I am praised for my wisdom. Books are being written using my discourses. There are millions of people who are subscribed to my channels and I am invited all over the world to share my wisdom. Inspite of all this, I feel I’m humble, the most down to earth & humble person on this planet. There is no one who is more wiser, more humbler, more aware and more enlightened than me. Money is something that is beneath me now. I have no need to think or worry about money because my followers take care of everything. Oh yeah, I have followers.
I think I have come to the end (for now) of my expectations and I’m really glad I put it all out there. I’m just glad its out rather than in.
There is a weird fear of judgement. What if someone reads this? What will they think about me? And honestly I’m pretty surprised all of this is within me. Its so funny and weird and strange but yeah, I’m glad I could write it all out.