My very first experience of a shift was when I was starting my 10th standard. I clearly remember feeling different. As if a light bulb had been turned on within me. It was just a simple decision that just popped up for me. The decision was to take an effort. Up to that time I had not taken my studies seriously. I was just fooling around till my 9th grade. But that day, something in me said, lets take an effort and see what happens.
My life after that was quite different. I aced my school exams and got into an engineering college. Mentally, things were going downhill for me because taking effort was taking a toll on me. I was no longer relaxed. I now wanted to get good marks, get a good job and become successful. And I was absolutely clueless on how to do that. I got into the habit of overthinking and because I had decided to take an effort, I took the same attitude to thinking as well. I started planning for things ahead, running imaginary conversations in my head and tackling imaginary problems and situations as well.
After completing college, I unsuccessfully worked a job for two months, then, tried preparing for MBA, failed that and then started a small 3d printing business. I was still completely clueless about my future and the direction of my career and I was really stressed about it as well. By the time we started Printrove, I was overweight and fighting depression.
I reached Goa overweight, confused, depressed, and suicidal for my friend's wedding. I had gotten really good at hiding what I was going through but it was very evident to people who were close to me.
We had this beach party at the wedding where, for the first time, I was introduced to MDMA, ecstasy. I had never experienced it before and my friend just told me to trust him. He guided me through it and I took it. I experienced states of mind that I had not experienced before. In that moment all my sadness, worry, depression, my complete thinking just stopped and I was just in bliss.
I remember telling people at that party that I'm so happy right now that I don't mind even if I die right now. I didn't want to die. I was just so happy and peaceful and satisfied.
After that experience there were two paths in front of me. I could have very easily gone into a drug addiction, having that drug again and again to keep experiencing the same state. But I chose to study what exactly happened. If this drug was capable of taking me to a state where my mind did not exist and there was so much bliss, this was a state that was possible within me. I was really curious to reach there naturally, without any drugs, and that's when my entire journey started.
I was so intrigued because nothing in the outside world had changed and something within me just shifted. I was happy for no reason and I just knew in my heart that this is possible. There is something more to my mind, to my life, than my depression, my overthinking, and my suicidal thoughts. As soon as I came back I started reading, working out, and visited a nutritionist. I lost the weight, got into self-help, and went to seminars.
I had been listening to Osho way before I actually took him seriously. I would go on morning walks with a friend and listen to his lectures. I was just listening, but not listening. I was hearing him. His ideas were good, revolutionary, and they were working unconsciously within me.
Then I went to the Millionaire Mind Intensive. I started learning manifestation. I went into NLP and hypnotherapy. I went deeper and deeper into my mind, and that understanding of the mind was very crucial. Then Michael Neill happened. I read The Inside-Out Revolution and something just shifted in me. I went deep into the Three Principles of Sydney Banks. All this while I was still seeking, still searching, still chasing a perfect state where I was going to be happy and contented in the future. My mood was improving. My life was improving. But I was still struggling with work. I was still taking effort. I was still making sure that I had to achieve something.
Then I went to Higginbothams once and saw a bunch of books by Osho there. I picked them up, and this time I don't know what happened. I fell in love with Osho. This time I really heard what he was pointing towards, and he was pointing me towards effortlessness. Towards egolessness. Towards my true self.
I don't know when I started living my life effortlessly. I got out of Printrove. I got out of the rat race. I stopped having a work time, stopped chasing a business, stopped living a templated life. I just started to relax. I was listening to Osho all the time. I read his discourses on the Buddha, all twelve volumes. I kept getting book after book. I have close to a hundred of his books now, and if I find a new one I still buy it. I don't know when I became an Osho sannyasin. I just don't know. I'm so grateful.
Other teachers came too. Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now and A New Earth shifted something in me. Rupert Spira's teachings on non-duality, and his guided meditations, I absolutely love. I truly believe that when you are ready the master shows up. It's all a matter of allowing.
I realised I was just holding on to things too tightly. The moment I loosened my grip on my beliefs, on who I thought I was, my ego, my possessions, everything that was conditioned into me, it all started loosening. Things started dropping on their own. Alcohol. Smoking. Vaping. The extra weight. I'm just dropping and dropping things. I fell in love with being conscious, with being aware.
Right now I'm listening to Osho's discourses on the Ashtavakra Mahageeta. Ninety four lectures, each close to an hour and forty minutes, in Hindi. I'm on the 68th. I can't even tell you how beautiful my life feels. I sometimes just feel like dancing for no reason. I'm just filled with joy.
You won't believe it. Just this morning I got up and I was so filled with bliss that the same thought came to me. I don't mind even if I die right now, because I am so happy. All of that without any drug, without any substance.