Non dual awakening. What needs to come out? I am not sure. I feel like a nagging at the back of my head, somewhere deep, something that just wants to come out. I am not able to figure out what to do. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Something just wants to come out of me. So I am now writing here. I notice that the title of the article is something else. The objective of writing this started out as something else. I am not even sure anymore what to say or do. I have to put everything aside and allow whatever is within to flow out in the form of words on this screen. I am glad I am able to type. I would love to speak as well, but there is something weird in speaking alone into a mic without any response kind of feels not that satisfying. When I typing, I am able to move my fingers, bring some words to life on the screen and then read it. And as I read it, as I look at them, I am able to get a sense of response. It’s almost as if I am having a conversation.
Speaking really helps when I am actually talking to someone. There is something in a response that allows me to flow freely. I recollect the conversation I had with Smrithika yesterday. I honestly do not remember most of what I had said but I remember being really awestruck with whatever was coming out. It actually helped me look at things at a much deeper level. Every time this energy is allowed to flow out freely I feel super energised. I don’t know where I am going with this. Honestly, as I am reading this, what I am noticing is my mind going “This is useless. This is crazy. You are wasting time. You could be doing this or that.” There’s just something inherently annoying about waking up to the true reality of who you are. I am not saying that I have completely woken up. I honestly don’t know. All I am saying is now that I am aware of how my mind functions and how it is constantly creating trouble for me, I have started to get a little annoyed. I mean, I am just looking and looking and looking and the mind is like a monkey jumping from this to that. See. Even right now. It has now become the very annoyance of itself. It is now helping me to insult and degrade itself. It honestly does not care how you use it. It just wants to be in control. It just wants to continue working. For some weird reason ofcourse. I honestly do not even want to go into understanding that right now. Given the circumstances, the mind is probably going to spin up some werid rationalisation for it.
And honestly, I cannot reach any understanding through the mind. I am really certain about this. I am seeing it again and again and again. Things are just going topsy turvy and then I do nothing and they get non-topsy-turvy again. And then again back to topsy-turvy. I am not calling the non-topsy-turvy state normal because I don’t think it is. There is no normal, no abnormal. Everything is just a continuum. It is just one constant motion flowing through time and space. Just like day and night. Neither the day is normal, nor the night. Both are required for each other to exist. Or rather, the idea has to exist. In reality, there is only the NOW. Now is neither day nor night. Now is neither past nor future. Now is neither happiness nor unhappiness. Now is neither topsy-turvy nor not-topsy-turvy. Now is neither success nor failure. Now is neither good nor bad. Now is just Is. The interpretation is given my the mind. It is an illusion created by the mind. A really useful illusion for sure. It helps us experience our life in a comfortable way. But if the illusion is forgotten, the entire experience of life can just be full of misery and suffering. The illusion as such is not a problem. It is the misunderstanding that the illusion is real that causes the suffering of the world.
You have forgotten who you truly are. You have forgotten that you are the unchanging unbounded non-perceivable entity that is beyond time and space. It is the one that perceives everything. It is the one that also forgets itself. It forgets it’s own identity.